Inter Symbol Interference

Open Up Your Eye Diagrams!

Friday, July 21, 2006


By Louie Fakes

I'd like to preface this post, which I hope will be the first of many, with a quote from Sartre:
Hell is other people.
Allow me to showcase exactly how this is the case. Sometimes, I see a guy. This guy: he's got places to be. This much is apparent. It's apparent because he's really hoofing it. He's pushing himself across the scene at an unhealthy clip. He's racing to an unexpected extent. Not running, exactly, but Walking With Determination. Fast like! Dig?

A situation presents itself. A bottleneck. I can see it coming, and I know I'll get there first. The hallway narrows or some such. Now I'm in front of this guy, who is so harried and hurried, except in a way I can tell he's always going about his day like this. He's always darting around, every step. Like his errands are just so much urgent the rest of us poor sinners. So here's what I do. I decide I'm gonna walk slower than usual.

He can't get by me. He just has to sit there, moving at my pace. OH GOD IT EATS HIM UP INSIDE. Except he can't do nothing about it. Not without having to be a dick about how fast he wants to go! Uncomfortably squeezing by me is totally unacceptable. (You know how these types skew neurotic and socially anxious.) He's suffering, all because I think I know the real speed a man should walk, and I'm trying to get him to regress to the mean. The bottleneck clears, and now he gets to hustle on past me in what he hopes will be the least awkward way possible.

This is how other people can make life hell. I love doing this. It's a way to fuck with this person without the slightest risk of comeuppance! And I can always play dumb about it: "Oh, I'm sorry! Didn't realize how slow I was going, when you were clearly in a unique state of rush! Mea culpa!"

I challenge Charlie to come up with any habit he occaisionally indulges in that has half the misanthropic glory as mine does.